Impending trip "home"

Though I've lived here for almost 16 years, when I think about heading back to the place I grew up, I still think of it as "home". It's not because my family is still there, it's because I belong to the place. In fact, I've been thinking about it a lot during the last couple of days, because I fly back tomorrow for my niece's graduation. I'm a little anxious about it, and I think it's because I don't feel like I can be myself around my family; I'm uncomfortable. I think most people feel the opposite -- like around their family is the only time they can really be themselves -- but maybe that's wrong. Maybe a lot of adults feel that way about the family they grew up with. My current family, the one I made with my husband and our pets -- that's where I feel most comfortable, and the only place I feel like I can truly be myself.

I often feel like I'm not a very good family member to my original family, the one I was born to. I think about my family and I love them, but I don't express it well. But I am taking great comfort in knowing that at least I'm not the worst there is.

When I graduated from high school, I remember asking my Dad if he was going to be there. He had no idea when my graduation was and wanted to know why nobody told him. I was pretty upset and shocked, though I shouldn't have been -- parenting was really not his forte. Hello, your daughter is in her senior year. The end of the school year is coming up. You should probably find out when graduation is and plan to go.

My niece is a senior and is graduating this year. I'd been thinking about it for months, and it occurred to me a couple of months ago that it would probably mean a lot to her (and my sister) if I flew home for it. It's the kind of thing you do for your family, when you love them. It's a way to show that you care about their lives, even when you're far away. I hadn't even thought about my dad not going to mine until a few days ago, though, and I immediately felt better about myself. Hey, at least I remembered! At least I'm going!

I suppose I should use this experience to give my dad a break and let go of some anger I apparently still have. Oh well, maybe later. For now I'll just try to feel better about myself.

Meds working better, but maybe mania?

I booked a trip to Hawaii a few weeks ago. We had been talking about going for Christmas, but I said to Jon that I wanted to go sooner, maybe over spring break. Then, without even talking about it anymore, I was bored at work, looked up trips on the website we use when we book our cruises, and emailed Jon the details. He said he was a little too busy at work to respond but I should book it if I wanted. It was a lot of money -- $3500, and that's not going to include meals -- but I really wanted to go. We both have the time off. We have money in the bank. We want to use it for traveling. So I couldn't think of any reason not to do it. So I booked it. I can't wait to go!

But I'm a little worried it was an issue of mood disorder. Impulse control? Hypomania? It's kind of a big deal. We usually talk about trips for a while, look at different options, and decide together. Even a few nights ago, when I was looking at cruises for Christmas and I knew Jon and both wanted to go, and we had talked about different destinations, staterooms, etc., I couldn't do it.

The only research I had done was look up Hawaii resorts on the Cruise and Vacation Desk site and read a few of the reviews from TripAdvisor. I looked at what days might be cheaper to fly. Then I booked it. I apologized for stressing Jon out, but he said he can't really complain about going to Hawaii.